Open Letters to a few celebs of choice

I enjoy the occasional trashy magazine as most of you know (see "Dear People Magazine"). It's a dirty little habit, and while I honestly do not care what happens to the likes of most of these men and women (who live a life that frankly I don't even want because they seem so completely and utterly miserable anyway) I feel that perhaps they are surrounded by a posse of "yes" people. You know the types, "assistants" who will tell them anything they want to hear (just so long as the perks keep coming) and therefore are slowly leading the said celebrity completely out of the realm of reality. So I am here to do 3 of our culture's biggest tabloid princesses a favour with some heartfelt advice...


Dear Lindsay Lohan,

I saw you in a few movies a few years ago and I was pretty sure then that you had talent as an actress. You are now, however, letting your personal life and alternating hair colours overshadow any and all talent that you may possess. You are in one word: OVEREXPOSED. You have been overdone in so many unfortunate ways. I saw you on Letterman once and you were wearing so much make-up and your lips looked all collagen-y. Why? You are only 21. Let your pores breathe. Please take a year off and come back a nicer, less trashy Lindsay.

Toodles!
Jen


Dear Paris Hilton,

OMG! You broke the law and you have gone to jail. And then you were out of jail. And then went back in. I'm sorry for whatever undue stress all of this may have caused you. HOWEVER, your maximum sentence was only ever 45 days! A human being can endure almost ANYTHING for a month and a half (well, not childbirth, but you know what I mean). You should have just taken a deep breath and taken your sentence with pride like a true Hilton (not that that means anything anymore, but whatever). The pictures of you crying were very unfortunate, though I imagine your tracksuit costs more than my car, so really you have one up on me. Good luck in prison, I'm sure that you will find a way to rise above it all... I think you will find true comfort in the fact that you'll be able to capitalize on your 'trauma' for months and months after your release (have you already signed for a book deal?) If I'm being honest we could really all use the month off from the excessive media bombardment that is YOU. See you in July, enjoy the baked beans and mash!

Luv,
Jen


Dear Britney Spears,

Please please please. I am concerned that you seem to have no true friends at all because if you did they would tell you to stop wearing those ripped fishnets and those cut-off jeans with the pockets hanging out. Maybe the trucker hats and flip-flops were amusing for a while, but now really, it's not funny and it's not flattering. Please find an outfit that covers all your private parts and at least part of your legs, I'm really begging you. People out here are rooting for you in a strange kind of way, for you to find your way back to some sort of less hooker-like decency. Please start with a knee length skirt (and don't go into the restaurant bathroom and come out wearing it as a dress, you sneaky girl!!) and we can go from there.

Good luck! (try H&M!)
Jen