This past spring I was reading Kid Cooperation by Elizabeth Pantley and posting basic chapter summaries. I did find it to be a useful tool and the best chapters were the last ones, so I think I would resume with the summaries... So, onward!
Chapter Seven, How to Nurture Sibling Relationships. I am all about this chapter. We've reached that stage in our house, where the girls are picking on one another constantly. I never thought of Maymuna as the alpha-female of the house, but man, she is asserting herself just fine. Hafsa would be an equal match, I believe, if she weren't so much smaller at this point in her life. Once she is bigger and more able to express herself -watch out! I am hoping to get some proactive parenting going on so that we don't have a complete meltdown on of these days...
Pantley starts off by stating the sad truth as she sees it: rivalry between siblings comes not so much from their feelings about each other, but from their need to be loved by their parents. That frightens me, personally, because it means that the responsibility for sibling rivalry has a lot to do with what we're doing as parents. Yikes. The chapter breaks down as follows...
Begin at the Beginning.
When a new baby is on the way, acknowledge your firstborn's feelings about the new addition. Your son/daughter may express negative emotions, but don't counter them with rebuttal or disbelief. Talk about your child's emotions without including the baby (for example, "you are very special to Mommy and I always love you, no matter what.")
Next, don't blame everything on "the baby" (for example by saying "we can't go to the park right now because the baby is sleeping").
Avoid saying No, Don't, Stop! Often the older child has a desire to touch the baby in not-so-gentle ways, but don't swoop in with a yell. Try the hover/distract method instead. Let your child touch or hold the baby, but stay very close and be ready to distract your toddler with something should things get dangerous. Like, "Josh! Can I see what colour eyes your Big Bird doll has?"
Make sure your older child get a dose of one-on-one time every day with people he/she loves. The more your child feels secure, the less he/she feels threatened by the new baby. But don't make too big a deal of it, don't say "this is you and me without the baby!"
Set the Scene for Peace.
Does fighting occur just before dinner? Try feeding them a healthy snack since hunger triggers irritability. It might also help to have a structured routine or planned activities for this time of the day.
Does fighting occur just before bedtime? Again, routine can help after dinner too. Be sure to include some Mom and Dad time, since many kids unconsciously fight to get attention from their parents.
Do your children fight when they have had too much unstructured time together? Don't overestimate your children's endurance. Interrupt unstructured playtime before it goes sour. Call them to go do their homework or chores, set the table or make dinner.
Does fighting occur over the sharing of toys? It helps kids to have specific guidelines to follow when it comes to sharing. What do you as a parent expect? Decide on your family rules, discuss them, post them somewhere for everyone to see.
Don't be the Family Referee.
Allowing your children to drag you into each and every dispute is unhealthy for their relationship. Most often if you just leave the room, your kids will figure out what to do without you. If you stick around they'll want you to label someone the winner and someone the loser. Not a good predicament!
You don't need to rush in to solve every problem. Listen for signals that the scene is getting out of control, but otherwise try not to get involved. [I'm assuming that this is intended for kids a little older than mine, seeing as Hafsa is essentially non-verbal right now, she can't exactly handle a conflict by herself I don't think]
Plant the Seeds of Positive Communication.
There is much to be said for self-fulfilling prophecies. Say things like "I know the two of you can work this out" or "I have confidence you'll find a solution."
Make suggestions and let the kids decide what to do with them. "Since there are four trucks and two children, I think you can find a way to share..." For younger children, you can be very specific with the suggestions and even help them role-play through the process of negotiation.
Discourage tattling.
Show Positive Attention.
When your children are playing together nicely, remember to give them some praise and encouragement. It is too tempting to ignore children when they are playing quietly together. You may feel like you don't want to disturb them, but they need reinforcement for good behaviour.
Appreciate children for who they are.
When we compare children it hurts them both. Comparisons breed jealousy and rivalry. Children are struggling to find out just who they are, and trying to develop their self-confidence. There is nothing that defeats this process more than being told you are not as good as someone else, especially if that person is a member of your family.
Fair does Not Necessarily mean EQUAL. [my favourite section in this chapter]
Children who never learn this lesson grow up to be adults who cannot find happiness in their lives, because they are too busy moping about their neighbour's new car, their co-worker's new promotion, or their friend's new home.
Teach your children about the richness of differences - the fairness in all of us being different people with differences in our particular needs and wishes; about the beauty of being individuals, and the impossibility of each of us having precisely the same piece of the pie.
We all have our moment in the spotlight. There are times when one sibling will receive a gift, a compliment, or attention and the other will not. THIS IS OKAY!
Pantley writes: "One family with three children I know buys each child a small gift when one of them has a birthday, so that the other two won't feel left out. This same family makes sure that if someone compliments one of their children, the parents immediately jump in with compliments for the other two. Such attempts at equity are really misguided. Instead of preventing their children from feeling left out, they are creating an unrealistic worldview in their children - whenever someone gets something, I get something too! The world will not provide for their children in this way. It's a far greater favor to your children to encourage them to feel good about their sibling receiving a gift, a compliment or attention. Instead, try to draw the other siblings in the other's glory, rather than setting up a competing focus for attention."
Encourage Love Feelings Between Siblings.
Make a big deal of the little things your kids do for each other. Look for good things they do and make comments that build love between your children.
***
I liked this chapter well enough, there are some good strategies for handling sibling rivalry here. The best section for me was about fairness and equality. Put this way it really makes sense. By insisting on equality in every way aren't we actually setting up competition between the siblings? If you said "Maymuna is great little artist" and I piped in with "And Hafsa is great at kicking a ball!" wouldn't Maymuna feel like I was raining on her parade? And isn't the second compliment kind of forced? Wouldn't Hafsa notice that eventually? It is better, as Pantley says, that they learn to share in each other's glory, be proud of each other's triumphs, even commiserate with each other in defeat, rather than have them always looking for the exact same piece of pie.
Oh, in regards to the comparison thing. Man, I do compare my kids. Not to their face, of course, but often when we talk about our kids' personalities with other moms, family etc. It's just that they are so different! (oops, there I go AGAIN!) I do recognize the impact that has on children. Kids are not stupid, and they know if you say pointedly, "look how Sue keeps her room so neat!" I mean, whether you mean it that way or not, they hear "why can't you be more like Sue???" which is devastating to a child. I think in our house because Maymuna is more on the quiet, obedient side and Hafsa is more on the outgoing, rascally side, they could easily be pegged as "the good one" and "the naughty one" (or the Lion and the Lamb, our nicknames for them when we don't want them to know we're talking about them). While it's easy to simplify and compartmentalize, they are certainly more complex than that; Hafsa has lots of moments of quiet throughout the day and Maymuna has her outright crazy moments too.
Lots to think about! If you've made it to the end of this marathon post I'm impressed!
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