Trying on tantrums

I don't even know if it's possible to do this post. Hafsa was banging on the keyboard and now the font size is practically negligible. Sooooo tiny...

I am breaking my normal blogging pattern today, partly in response to a run of peachy-keen, all-is-right-with-the-world blog topics. My motto is (usually) never blog on a bad day. This isn't really about maintaining a somewhat FALSE!! impression that I am forever in control of my life, my kids, parenting skills etc. but mainly because this website was born out of a want to share the best and most fun moments of our new Minneapolis existence with the girls' grandparents. Grandparents don't need to hear the nitty-gritty; indeed I try to spare them any details surrounding the gross, naughty, or plain old crazy aspects of their granddaughters. Today I break this pattern because, hey, we are human after all and I feel like sharing this coming-of-age phenomenon with our dearest friends and family. (*wry laughter*)

So. The Terrible Two's are behind us and Maymuna is three now. Well, no one really told me that toddlerhood doesn't end the instant they turn 36 months old. No, no, no. No. It doesn't. In fact, so far three is harder than two. Maymuna's second year was full of excitement, and exuberance and sure, sometimes she couldn't contain herself, or remember her manners or whatever, but it seemed like all those challenges were accidental in a way. Not... on purpose. I don't think that Maymuna knew that she could outright defy us. I liked it that way.

The last day or two Maymuna has shown a... shall we say... reluctance? to put on her warm winter clothes. The temperature has dropped here in Minnesota and she needs to wear a warm coat and hat, and preferably mittens too, but I don't push those for just a walk to the car. Yesterday we were late and she was resisting heavily and I think we saw the signs of her first real tantrum (somewhere out there a grandparent is saying, awwww... her first tantrum! and writing it down in some sort of baby book). I feel a tantrum is distinct from just "losing it" a bit - sometimes a child is tired or hungry or you've just kept them out too long and they melt down. I consider that mainly frustration, and we've dealt with that before. A tantrum on the other hand, to me, is a calculated, loud and physical attempt to control circumstances that are displeasing to the child.

As I said before, we were late, we were trying to get out the house, I was alone with the children when Maymuna decided she wasn't going. Wasn't get dressed. Wasn't going for it. It is consistent with her personality though, that she didn't pound her fists or scream, that's really not her style. But she seemed to do a pretty good job of doing the dead-man-lay-about, hand-flailing, and "no!" yelling... I pretty much wasn't able to just wait it out and so I dressed her right then and there on the floor amid protestations and carried her right out to the car. She gave Ozayr similar grief this morning when we left to drop him off at work. And then it happened. The fourth element of effective fit-throwing came into place this afternoon as we left the mall: she threw a tantrum in the shoe department of Macy's.

As you've probably guessed, the fourth element is PUBLIC EMBARRASSMENT of the afflicted parent. It's a full circle moment when something like this happens. Because once upon a time, I would see a child having a full-fledged fit in a mall and I thought, what terrible parents this child must have! They have no control over him at all!! Then, of course, time passed and I became a mother and then I would see a child having a fit in the mall and I would look at that kid's mother and think, oh, the poor parents! Look their child is having a fit!! Poor them! And now, as things have a tendency to do, it all came Full Circle and now, there I was...

I was That Mother At the Mall.

It's not a situation that puts anyone in a pleasant light, and I won't share with you all the gruesome details. It ends with three very grumpy girls heading out to the car in the cold - one sort of half-wearing her coat. To tell you the truth I was a little caught off guard, even though we'd had a few problems at home. Now that I've had time to think about it I hope I'll be a bit more prepared. I try to parent in such a way that preserves my child's dignity, and my own as well, and a tantrum by it's very nature threatens that - it brings out the worst in everybody.

It was a pretty quiet ride home for both us, and ended with kissing and making up on the driveway. Neither of us likes to stay mad at the other for very long, and we were both quick to apologize and get back to being happy Mommy-Maymay again. This is probably the biggest reason that I'm half-amused, half-philosophical about our little "episode" at Macy's. I know that it really isn't in her true nature to be a brat... I think she's mainly just figuring out who she is, and what is appropriate (or not) and how her little world works. We're her parents who love her unconditionally and we've just got to ride the waves... though rocky they might be...