Heartache & sweetness

Does it ever go away? I was looking at some old photographs of Maymuna as a baby. When I closed my eyes I felt like I could reach through the computer screen and touch that baby soft cheek... I remember the weight of holding her... I remember her baby hair smell... I bring out her old clothes for Hafsa to wear, and it feels like just yesterday that I bought them for Maymuna. And Maymuna grows and grows, and more clothes go into storage... goodbye to more pants and t-shirts, days and weeks and years.

Tonight I kissed her and told her that she was my baby once. She said I'll be a baby again one day. No, you won't, I said. You're big now. Smiling, I said, inshallah you'll grow up and one day you'll be an adult and have a family of your own, like this one. With you too mommy, she said. What if you get married and your husband wants you to live with him? I asked her. She thought the idea was hilarious. I'll say you come too, she decided (obviously she'll be the boss). Great! What about Baba? I asked. He'll be at Subway picking up sandwiches, she said. And we laughed and it was all resolved. Is it strange to be comforted by a 3 year-old's promise that she doesn't want to leave you quite yet?

I miss her, the baby she was. Do mothers spend their entire lives with the weight of those beautiful memories heavy on their hearts? When she's twenty years old will I look at her and see her, in my mind's eye, as a baby, a girl and woman all in one? It's beautiful, it's lovely, but it aches too. The time, it passes by all too fast.





I comfort myself that I have tried to love and live every single moment... I hope I have done my best.