Kid Cooperation (goes on and on)

Next chapter from Elizabeth Pantley's Kid Cooperation is Building your Child's Self-Esteem. Woo-hoo! Self-esteem is the buzz word of the blame-your-parents school of psychological thought... But that said, I don't want my kids to have any excuse to blame me, so let's read on!!

Choose your words carefully. Children create an image of themselves through the input they receive from us, particularly in the early years. They're very sensitive to all the cues we give them. Even a comment disguised as a compliment or joke will be taken at face value. So think before you speak. And try to phrase your comments positively.

Help Your Children Develop Positive Thinking Skills. Discuss positive thinking with your kids. Point out positive vs. negative attitudes from news stories or life stories. Model a positive attitude - children learn what they live.

Develop your Child's Best Qualities. Every individual has something special to offer the world. Without acknowledgment and nurturing, skills and talents have a way of stagnating or fading. Give your child opportunities to try out new experiences, help them find their 'thing'.

For a young child, your chores can be exciting learning experiences for them. Letting them help gives them a sense of self-worth and mastery.

When children try something new, and seem to like it or do well at it, give them the positive encouragement to keep practicing. Try to stress the inherent joy in mastery, rather than suggesting that mastery will make your child more lovable. In other words, make sure your child knows that your love is based on identity rather than accomplishments.

Praise and Encourage. Do both. Duh.

Listen with Your Heart. Active listening involves an array of behaviours that express your attention, empathy and respect. Put down your newspaper, shut off the TV. Don't rush in with suggestions or solutions. Demonstrate you are listening with appropriate questions. Validate your child's fear or worry, don't minimize it by saying "oh, there's nothing to be afraid of." Help your child focus on resolving the situation, rather than getting mired in the problem.

Love is the Wind Beneath our Wings (yes, this is actually written in the book.) If your children know that their place in your world is secure, they will have the confidence to move out into the bigger, wider world. Love your child and say so in words, by showing affection, by working to use good parenting skills and accept them for who they are.

End of Self-Esteem 101.

I doubt there are many new ideas there... parents are acutely aware of self-esteem, I think. I read so much about it in university, and so did anyone who took a first year psych class. Also it did seem like it was the (slightly whiny) anthem for my generation, particularly of the grunge variety (wasn't there a song "I'm just a dweeb with no self-esteem"?) Ah, the early 90s.

Anyway, it's nice to read about it in the sense of helping your child to have good self-esteem rather than "this is what could go wrong if you don't have any - drugs! gangs!" sort of thing. I actually think that this society (American and Canadian) is largely confidence-driven. You can be good at something, but that's really not enough anymore. You've got to be good AND believe it AND sell yourself. And sometimes confidence seems to take people far despite not having much skill at all.

I'm surprised that the author didn't discuss external v.s. internal self-esteem that much. Essentially that you don't want your child's self-esteem to be dependent on outside sources - like you, or praise/validation from others. Ultimately I would hope for my children that they hold themselves to an internal standard, based on their own faith/morals and personal goals and the people they wish to be... and be less dependent on what others think to feel good about themselves.

You know, sometimes it's hard to keep these goals in mind as you parent, day-to-day. I mean, I'm just trying to keep everyone clothed and clean. And fed. And of course, have high self-esteem. This parenting thing is a tough job. I'm going to bed.