REVIEW: The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping our children thrive when the world overwhelms them. By Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D.
I really enjoyed this book, though it's not for everyone. The whole premise of this book is that certain people are born "highly sensitive." This is not meant in the sense of "they get their feelings easily hurt" but more in the sense of being sensitive to their surroundings. It's best described in this passage from the book:
"Highly sensitive individuals are those born with a tendency to notice more in their environment and deeply reflect on everything before acting, as compared to those who notice less and act quickly and impulsively. As a result, sensitive people, both children and adults, tend to be empathetic, smart, intuitive, creative, careful, and conscientious... They are also more easily overwhelmed by "high volume" or large quantities of input arriving at once. They try to avoid this, and thus seem to be shy or timid... When they cannot avoid overstimulation, they seem "easily upset" and "too sensitive."
Honestly, I wish that I had read this book years ago. Even as a baby Maymuna was very sensitive to her environment - new people, new places would really throw her off. She would often cry if other people wanted to hold her. When she got older I think she seemed shy or someone who didn't speak much. But at home she was a chatterbox! - in new situations though, she was too busy observing and taking it all in. We'd go to Gymboree classes and she would watch almost the whole time from the sidelines. It was usually when the other kids were leaving that she would venture out to the play floor. She is sensitive to other people arguing, even jokingly or on the TV. She doesn't like loud, startling noises or surprises. It's happened before that we'd be invited over somewhere and Maymuna would cry or cling to me for the first 30 minutes because she was so overwhelmed with lots of new faces, unfamiliar surroundings and all that sensory input just pouring into her little brain! In Ottawa we had all my best girlfriends over with their boyfriends/husbands, and Maymuna spent most of the time in the kitchen with her grandmother (which is exactly what I predicted would happen).
If nothing else, this book has really taught me that it's just normal for some kids to be that way. No big deal!! Before I kept wondering what was wrong, and what did I do to make her so 'timid'. Well, now I know, she's not really 'timid' or 'shy' at all. Those are labels that really oversimplify her persona to the world. Because once she is comfortable and in familiar territory, she can talk your ear off, be fully involved in any activity and initiate interaction with children and adults alike.
Now I also know that I can take steps to help her be more comfortable. Before her first day of preschool, we drove to the building to show her. Then we went to school 10 minutes early the first day, so that she could get there and look around the room and get acclimatized before the other children arrived. I always try to present her a "map" for what's going to happen when we go out, so she knows exactly what to expect.
So the bottom line of this little book review is that I found this book very helpful... not so much in providing a lot of practical strategies for parenting, but mainly to boost my own confidence in stating and standing up for my child's needs, by saying "can we come early?" or "Maymuna will probably just watch this time, maybe next time she'll want to play." I think if I get better at this, Maymuna too will soon be able to verbalize her feelings and not feel badly when she isn't ready to jump into a new situation at the drop of a hat. She's not a kid who's going to sing you a song on command or hug someone she's just met. And I actually like these things about her now that I understand them better.
Of course while a lot of this book concentrated on the challenging aspects of raising a HSC, it also really helped me to realize that there are some wonderful traits associated with high sensitivity. Maymuna has an empathy and caring for others that is, in my mind, pretty remarkable for a child so young (in an age usually marked by unparalleled selfishness). She has a rich imagination, a sweet and kind disposition, and I truly believe that she really thinks about everything. Very contemplative and creative.
Other things I learned about HSC's from this book...
- A little discipline goes a long way, a stern word can bring a HSC to tears, so don't overdo it. They easily feel shame where other children would just brush it off.
- Parents of HSC's should never apologize for their children's "shyness" to other people - they will notice that and feel ashamed.
- Parents of HSC's shouldn't push their children into activities ("go play with those girls!") or to interact with someone ("give Uncle John a hug!") if they are not comfortable.
- Give your HSC as much time to observe and assess a new situation as possible (being early to events does help).
- HSC can easily intuit what others around them are feeling.
- For Maymuna I realize that sometimes it helps to operate on our own turf. Playdates at our house are sometimes easier because she can retreat to a quiet place to avoid over-stimulation.
A good parenting book should help you understand and love your child more, and I think this book did that for me. Two thumbs up.
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